Children and Happiness: Do They Co-Exist?

“Economically worthless but emotionally priceless.” Ouch. That’s how Princeton sociologist, Viviana Zeltizer describes children in a recent New York Magazine article on why parents don’t like parenting. Sure, children offer a glimpse into the lofty-side of the sublime, but they also encapsulate the devastating nature of the sublime as well.

According to the article, having children is work; work that most parents don’t actually like doing for the most part. Apparently, moms – especially middle class moms – toil over their children in an effort to give them every advantage and find this effort excruciating. OK, so maybe excruciating is my word.

I soooo identified with this article. I mean, I love my two children and that should go without saying. But having children is an extremely difficult, all day, all night, endless chore existence. With splashes of nirvana mixed in.

Since I fall i to the “waited till later to have kids” camp, I especially was interested when the author talked about what older parents experience and expect. Coming from a professional background predisposes one to consider parenting in a right-way and wrong- way mentality.

That can be utterly confusing, says Alex Barzvi of NYU’s medical school, because “there are a lot of things that parents can do to nurture social and cognitive development. There are right and wrong ways to discipline a child. But you can’t fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others and constantly concluding you’re doing the wrong thing.”

Touche.

As a stay-at-home mom, I will say it’s a way harder job than anything I’ve ever done before. And better. I can’t quite put my finger on why it’s so much more exhausting, maybe because I’m pretty much all-in (or want to be or think I need to be all-in) 24/7. No real breaks. That’s the brutal part. But rewarding in ways I can’t say or I’d sound silly.

One thing I think is missing from the discussion is the impact of extended family and how helpful (or not) they can be. All parents need help and in today’s world we’re more apt to buy that help than be given that help from family. Hence, the overall feelings of isolation and being overwhelmed that I think lead to unhappiness. So there’s that.

Is the evolutionary pull toward procreating necessarily entwined with the human quest for happiness? Apparently not. Apparently we humans suck at knowing what will “actually” make us happy. Go figure.

photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography