I’m not certain when the “right” time is for having baby join family dinner time – if you know any guidelines, I’d love to hear them! We decided that now is the right time for our family. Our daughter is just shy of 2 years old and while she has been sitting at the table in her highchair (my post about that learning curve is HERE), it seems like the right time to eat family style.
Until now Sophie has eaten dinner at 5:30 or 6 and then we continued with our nightly routine before putting her to bed. Now, it seems like she’s happier eating later and closer to her bed time. We’re happier with this arrangement for her too as it allows her to sleep a little longer in the morning – even a few minutes can make a big difference! Unfortunately, that puts our grown up dinner later and later – sometimes we’re not even done by 10pm and that is just way too late. Again, it has to do with maximizing sleep time.
So, we’re in the process of deciding if Sophie joins us for nightly dinners or if we suck it up and eat late. I’ve always known I’d have family dinners (I did as a child and even when times got really rough we ate together every night and it seemed to hel get us through). But when to start? This week we decided to give it a try.
In keeping with Maria Montessori’s adage: not words but virtues, we are attempting to teach table manners to our (almost) 2 year old by modeling the correct behavior. Teaching through example. Now that we’ve pretty much mastered the “not throwing food on the floor,” it’s time to tackle nutrition, grace and courtesy, and manners. Whew – that’s a mouthful. Montessori and much to say about each of these topics and yet I only have the mental ability to begin with these as they relate to the nightly dinner.
Nutrition: This is a life long lesson I realize, but giving a solid foundation is a parent’s responsibility in my opinion. By showing Sophie that not only is she served a balanced meal (protein, veggie and starch) but also Mommy and Daddy eat that way every night, I hope to instill in her a “need” for good food. We don’t praise her for eating what she’s served (well, we try not to) and we don’t offer her food as a reward or withhold it as a punishment. This creates associations with food that lead to overindulging, stress eating and other bad habits. If we have dessert, she gets dessert (smaller portion!). In the interest of full disclose, our daughter will pick out most every veggie and put it aside unless it is a pea or a carrot. Those she’ll eat. But, hey, we’ve got to start somewhere.
Grace, courtesy and manners: Since putting a napkin in a 2 year old’s lap is not an option, we do more modeling of grace and courtesy at the dinner table, which fits in nicely with Montessori’s teaching that the sensitive period for grace, courtesy and manners is 3-6 years old and before that modeling is key. Still, we use napkins and put then in our laps. We wait to eat until we are all seated and served, though we don’t say grace or a blessing. When we have a conversation, we (try to) listen to each other before speaking. (Note: my husband and I are both talkers, so this one takes practice!) When it is clear that Sophie is finished, we ask her if she is all done – we’ve taught her the sign language for this, so she can communicate it easily when she feels like it. This part, truth be told, is hard as she doesn’t always want to communicate clearly and prefers to wiggle and squiggle in her chair. We try to reinforce the “all done” before we take her out. “Excuse me”, “thank you”, and “please” will all have to wait until she can actually speak. Feet and elbows are not allowed though chewing with her mouth open is (for now) as I’m usually thankful that she is actually eating.
Dinner time, as you may suspect, has become hectic. It’s not the best situation as I prefer to have a nice relaxing dinner, but, for now it’ll do. Plus, I like to feel like I am sowing the seeds of future mealtimes.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I need lots of help with my babies sleep habits right now, and though maybe you could offer some good advice.
He is 10 months old now and still does not sleep through the night. It seems as though my child is the only one.
I tried putting him in bed with us, but he still wakes up just as much. He wants to nurse to sleep any time he awakes. I tried putting him in his crib, and he freaks out. I have let him cry the last 2 nights using Dr. Ferber’s method. He did sleep better last night, but I just hate to hear him cry, I feel like I am ruining him.
I was wondering when you put your daughter in a floor bed? How did you guys transition into that? I worked at a Montessori for 3 years and my daughter attended school there. I love Montessori. I am just learning of the baby montessori though.
Please offer any advice you have! I am desperate, and sleep deprived.
Thanks so much!
Brandi
Hi,
Sorry for the delay! I hear you, sister, sleep deprivation is the pits. There is a reason why it is an effective method of torture.
I understand completely about you putting your baby in the bed with you and I, too, have done it. Unfortunately, each and every time I do it, without fail, we all sleep WAY worse. Some people have lots of luck with this, though. My sister and her husband have slept with their son in their bed from the get go and they all sleep great. If you’re saying that it doesn’t work for you, then best to find what does.
We started with our daughter in a co-sleeper for the first 6 months of her life. Right about 7 or 8 months, I don’t remember exactly now, when she started pulling up on the side of the sleeper, we moved her to the floor bed. The only transition we did was put her in a pack and play in her own room first, before just laying her down on the floor bed. This we did for nearly a month I think – certainly not longer. Could have been just a few weeks. The point to that excersize was to get her used to sleeping on her own since up till then she had been able to listen to us breathing through the night. She took to this like a champ, though there were still late night wakings for the 4 am feeding. Then, we put her on the floor bed. She did not fall asleep well the first few nights, I will tell you.
Enter, Dr. Ferber. His method is really good, as long as you can tolerate listening to the crying – not easy. The way I rationalized allowing my baby to cry was this – as she grows, she will need to learn how to take care of her own needs. My role as a mom is to put her on the path to learning how to take care of herself- not to teach her how to rely on me. Afterall, my goal is to raise and independent, responsible child. While it is hard – so hard – I figured that this way my first big time experience with this lesson, so I decided to jump in. We read Ferber’s and figured out a cry-it-out schedule that worked for us. We started out with 1 minute, then 3 minutes, then 5, then 7 then 10 and finally 15 minutes. Basically we put her down drowsy and walked out of the room. She of course cried. Hard. It was gut-wrenching that first night even waiting a minute. But we did and we stuck to that schedule. That night she might have cried 15-20 minutes total, with us visiting her room at the alloted time. I almost couldn’t do it, but we did. On the second night, same thing happened, only she cried for no longer than 10 minutes max with us going in her room to soothe her at the allotted times. Then, miraculously, on the third night – I kid you not – she cried for only 2 minutes then slept like an angel. So, for us it worked like a charm, if you can mentally lump in agonizing over her screams charming. But, I highly highly recommend this as it has taught our daughter how to fall asleep on her own and she’s been sleeping through the night for some time now. No screaming, no crying, only the occasional talking and murmuring with the exception of nightmares and such.
I think the floor bed really has helped her feel “in control” of her sleep. She can and does get up to play, but she will put herself back to sleep again after. I feel like the Montessori approach, at least in our household, has instilled in Sophie the notion that she does have control over some aspects of her life, which, it seems, appeals to her.
I hope this helps. Basically, sleep issues arise in every family and with a little luck and perseverance, you can find what works for you.
Thanks for sharing your experience re: the Ferber method. Our son, who is 8 months, has been enjoying his floor bed since he was born (first in our room, and now in his own). My problem is that I cannot figure out how to implement Ferber’s methods while my sweet little Heman/ super mobile child zips right up and follows me as I walk calmly out his bedroom door to shut it. He will cry and bonk his head against the door. Then he will inevitably walk straight to his little chair, pull up and stand there crying until I come in to help him find his way down from the chair and back over to his bed. I am feeling a little beaten down and glance to my daughter’s old crib that we’ve been storing in the guest room in case this floor bed routine takes its final toll on us. Any advice on exactly what tricks work with combining the floor bed with Ferber? He has let himself fall asleep on the floor a couple of times, but since then- he found the chair and won’t give up until I come in.
Thanks for your advice,
Elle
Here’s what I think, if you still need help…I would take the chair out of his room and otherwise have a childproof room. That way, he’ll really have to work and hurting himself and you can rest a little easier. He seems to have learned that he’ll get you to come in if he goes to the chair, so he’s probably got that cause/effect routine down. We had to remove the chair and almost had to take the bookshelf out, but our daughter figured out that she could find toys on her shelf (granted, these were sanctioned, boring night time toys) if she really wanted to.
As for the Ferber method, what worked really well for us was just placing her back on her bed each time she started crying/migrating to the door. Yes, we had a few banging incidents, but with the constant re-positioning and saying, “night night” (or whatever you want to say to him to reinforce that this is the time to sleep) it worked. She eventually just cried in place. Then she cried herself to sleep. Then she stopped crying all together.
I realize that it’s hard the first night when all you can do is hear that crying and the head banging and think, what is this all for?!? But, the key here is consistency. I think that is the actual lesson underlying Ferber that really is the gem. We went back in to her room at the time intervals we felt were appropriate for us (1 min, 3, mins, 5 mins…) and just did the same thing over and over until she got the message that we weren’t going to alter our behavior because of her protests.
I know that crib is crying out for you – think of how much easier it might be! But, if you stick with the floor bed thing and get passed this, then you might find it a whole lot better in the long run. We have. I can’t tell you how great it is now to know that our daughter can entertain herself when she wakes instead of yelling for us to come get her right away. It still happens, mind you. She will call for us, but I do hear her stirring first, sometimes playing with her puzzles, sometimes singing…
I am so happy to find this blog. To add a difference of perspective, we have combined our daughter’s floor bed with attachment parenting techiniques. She has been a horrible sleeper since she was born and this has made life bearable for us all. At 20 months, she is turning the corner to sleeping well AND independently. She seems ready to make strides at toilet use, as well.
In response to “Since putting a napkin in a 2 year old’s lap is not an option…” our daughter has recently asked for her own napkin when we are at the dinner table, which she places on her lap and otherwise ignores or uses appropriately. Many would say that a 2 year old cannot be given a drinking glass, but we Montessorians know better. (In fact, my daughter is almost always responsible with her drinking glass, but almost always will turn a lidded cup upside down and attempt to creatively extract the liquid onto herself, her carseat, the floor, etc. Go figure.)
Again, I am so happy to have found your blog!
I hear you on the cup vs. lidded cup! One of my daughter’s favorite games is turning a sippy cup upside down and shaking it – just to see the water trickle out. But she’s a champ at drinking from a small glass. Go figure! Thanks for reading!