Tag: how to discipline a toddler who hits

Teaching your child how to make decisions is basically an art, in my opinion. How do you instill an ability to weigh options and think through consequences?

A recent study in the Maternal and Child Health Journal found that reasoning with your child, even at an early age, helps to stimulate brain development which may lead to better decision making skills.

Apparently, the study, which was quoted in a recent Newsweek article, found that children (specifically Latino children, though I don’t know why that group was targeted) whose parents used commands over reasoning lagged behind in basic language and thinking skills than their white counterparts by the time the child was 2-3 years old. And this occurred across socio-economic backgrounds.

We’re talking simple commands like “that won’t work, this will” vs. “you don’t throw, you could hurt someone.” Sounds reasonable to me – speaking to a child in a manner in which you’d like them to think when they are adults would lead to thinking skills. But there are drawbacks that I see.

In my mind, the “reasoning” statement sounds a little more like a command with consequences attached than out and out reasoning. I mean, if you were truly reasoning, wouldn’t you say something like, “is it nice to throw? You may hurt someone and how would that feel?”

That said, I’m a fan of directing my child over telling her what to do. In general. I mean, if I can offer her good, acceptable choices (reasoning with her) rather than telling her exactly what to do, then I’m going to try to do that.

But, there are times…you know what I’m talking about. When you’re met with that blank stare that says, “I’m ignoring you and you can’t do anything about it” look. Love that.

Also, does reasoning lead to a “lawyer” in the making, allowing a child enough rope to hone his debating skills so that you are constantly in a power struggle? I know, that’s taking this study a little far, but I do think about these things as I try to maintain a balance between teaching my daughter to think and teaching her the “rules” of our house. Those two things often conflict with each other.

photo credit: pulihora

It’s that time. The hitting has started. Fun. Fun. Fun. I know she’s just testing the boundaries, figuring out how to express herself and in general fascinated with what she can cause to happen. But it’s really annoying, isn’t it, when your child is the one hitting?

I’ve tried a couple of things to stop this behavior: ignoring it, calmly holding her hands by her sides and telling her “no hit,” and getting angry. She’s really interested in the attention she gets when I get angry so I’ve stopped that (well, as much as possible).

The ignoring works (kind of) but it seems to be a slow route. And when I hold her hands at her sides and speak to her directly, she is nonplussed. Just stands there, staring. Oh, and time outs are completely lost on her right now – she has way too much fun with that “game.”

I have thought about hitting her back, oh yes indeedy, but since I’m a firm believer in modeling the behavior I want to teach my child, this just seems counter-productive. And confusing – “Sophie, no hit”…whack. The only thing that gets her attention and disturbs her is when, after she hits me, I say “we don’t hit” and walk away from her immediately.

I don’t give her another chance, or three tries or explain anything. I just remove myself from her and she seems to get the idea that she caused the leaving, and she doesn’t like it. Unfortunately, this causes lots of crying that then has to be either ignored or dealt with. And, it won’t work in all situations.

I did read a good article on iVillage about hitting that had lots of good information on dealing with hitting. My guess is that every child will respond differently, them being individual little snowflakes and all…

Here’s the thing – I honestly think the hitting is caused by a number of factors…she’s been hit by other children, so she’s testing out that form of communication; her emotions (either good or bad) well up in her so fast and strong that her hands get involved before she knows what she’s doing; she’s simply testing the world around her. How can I get mad at that? It’s all perfectly natural and, dare I admit it, something that she has to go through.

Let’s just hope she gets to the other side of this soon. Real soon.

photo credit: Tammra McCauley