Tag: nanny

With two kids, we’ve gone through a lot of daycare. We’ve had nannies, babysitters, and a daycare provider. Each had their own idiosyncrasies and each tested our patience in one way or another.

But they all had one thing in common: we treated them extremely well.

Now, I don’t say this because I’m trying to be all braggy-braggy or toot my own horn. But it’s true. We have a tendency to indulge our care providers a little bit…because, after all, our children spent a lot of time with them. In many ways, our care providers had as much to do with shaping their little minds as we did. We certainly didn’t want to tick them off!

I’ve talked before about the trials and tribulations of choosing childcare. It can be a tricky and stressful situation (most often more stressful for you than for your little one). But finding care is just half the battle; once you charge this person with the care and keeping of your child, you need to be sure to treat them right, too. Read more…

We have the most wonderful nanny who comes one day a week and, if my daughter and I could have our way, we’d have her ALL DAY EVERY DAY! Not that I want to outsource all of my mothering duties (though, to be fair, some days I want to do exactly that).

It’s just that she’s so good at keeping my child and my house calm, clean and happy. I’d say we have an excellent relationship and the communication is very clear between us, but then again, I’m filled with appreciation for everything she does so what could go wrong?

Apparently a lot. I was reading in the New York Times that many mothers have issues with their nanny – either the nanny doesn’t do something they should (in the mom’s eyes) or does something they shouldn’t. Even the most successful of moms have trouble clearly communicating their needs and wants to a woman (or man) who is taking on the role of mother, even if it’s just for a short period of time.

Guilt leads the pack as to why moms don’t feel comfortable “bossing” the nanny around. How can they ask a nanny to do things that the mom, herself, won’t do? Guilt always gets in the way, don’t you think?

The other reason mom’s don’t speak up? They are afraid that the nanny might take out her anger at the mom on the kids. Ouch.

Instead of quietly (or not so quietly) seething over some transgression (real or perceived), the advice of the experts is easy: communicate. If you need to write something down to have it be the clearest way to get the message across, then write it. Make a contract with a job description. Whatever it takes to get your needs across is what you must do to avoid confusion.

Don’t get caught up in the rationalization that the nanny surely should know how you want things done because she can see with her own eyes how you fold the laundry or put the dishes away or cook the mac & cheese with extra cheese. Treat it just like an employee/employer situation and you’ll sail right through.

Easier said than done, though. I mean, I never ask my nanny do to the dishes but she does them. I absolutely don’t want her to stop so I thank her when she does them, but do I owe her extra? A bonus? Who knows??? I certainly don’t want to lose her so yeah, maybe I will throw a little something extra her way to say I REALLY REALLY appreciate the extra work she does.

But if I had written a job description in the beginning it would not have included dish washing, so I’d be S O L. I’m just saying…some things you still have to figure out for yourself.

photo credit: frerieke

I was reading an article in the New Yorker about breastfeeding and was stunned at the idea that we, as mothers, may becoming our own wet nurses because of the preference of pumping over breastfeeding.  As a mother who had difficulty with breast feeding because my milk had trouble traveling down my milk ducts to get to my baby, I relied on whatever means possible to give my baby the best that I could.  While formula ultimately became my only option, I find it disheartening to hear about the continued controversy over formula versus breastfeeding.  And now with pumping added to the mix… oiy!

Clearly the nutrients in breast milk are vastly superior to anything that can be manufactured, however, this argument seems to had led to unfortunate consequences.  Here in California, lactation consultants reinforce the practice of breastfeeding to the point of being pushers.  While I applaud the effort, I feel like their emphasis is misplaced.  Instead of reinforcing the notion that breastfeeding is as much about human connection as giving nutrients, the focus on breast milk has not made things better for the baby or the mother.

What a great pity that mothers are being encouraged to do themselves out of what must surely be the most important job in the world, raising the next generation.   Children are being given over to the often very capable hands of day care workers and nannies with bottles of expressed milk.  Capable but can we really say they have the same amount of time and attention needed to fully attune to the new baby.  Breast feeding is about more than giving nutrients to the infant, it is about attunement and bonding.  The first year of a baby’s life is so crucial and so much is now known about the impact of attunement and attachment on infants and the impact of neuronal development.  It’s strange that in a society that is gung ho about the academic development of children so little attention is paid to the all important emotional development which creates stability later on in life.  Surely bonding with mom, more than flash cards and tutors at the age of three, is setting them up for the ability to attend and learn later on.

Not to mention the headache attached to pumping.  Breasts fill and must be drained on a schedule.  The horror stories I’ve heard about women heading off to an icky restroom to pump for 15 minutes is shocking.  I mean would you feed your baby a sandwich in a restroom?   And as for the office restroom, it is dare I say humiliating to be hooked up to a pump like Bessie the cow and have your co-workers come in!  Some offices do have lactation rooms, which is a start, but again that skirts the issue.

I am absolutely not against a mom choosing to return to work after having a baby nor am I opposed to pumping.  What I am opposed to is the lack of discussion around all of the consequences of the myriad choices we mothers have.  Long term consequences.  I feel that, as a society, we should be discussing the effect of day care and nannys as well as breast milk when we discuss what is best for baby.  If we conduct experiments and studies on breast milk, shouldn’t we pay the same attention to the choice to contract out raising our children?

photo credit: Raphael Goetter