I’ve been thinking about marriage lately – mainly because I’m up most nights lying next to my husband, who is sleeping peacefully, both adoring him and cursing him for it. Those little soft snorts and his deep breathing is so comforting. And yet, so annoying. Only because I’m not actually sleeping myself. Marriage really is a back and forth, isn’t it?

This past Sunday the New York Times did a profile on the first marriage (that would be the Obamas) that got me to thinking. With all my Southern heritage I’m predisposed to put on the perfect front. In the article, the Obamas seem extremely open to sharing that their marriage is anything but perfect.

In fact, Michelle Obama goes on to say that projecting a perfect front would be a disservice to young (and old) people everywhere, instilling a false sense of what a marriage is all about. It’s about ups and downs. Back and forth. Good and bad.

It’s taken me a long time to figure this out, but not being perfect isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength. It’s a reality.

To me, marriage is a partnership with each partner pulling his or her weight. And then the weight of the other partner when needed. And then no weight when needed.

This isn’t always fun and it’s not always rewarding. Like the time recently when I was down for the count with “morning sickness” (boy, what a bunch of hooey to call it morning sickness. Try all encompassing, hang your head in the toilet for hours on end, debilitating nausea for all day and night sickness.

For those 18 (yes, count them 18!) weeks my husband was a single parent. Outright, I did nothing. But that kind of experience does make for stronger bonds…something about weathering hard times makes one more appreciative of the good times, I guess.

So what really defines a good marriage? Nothing. What I’m learning is that it’s ever changing and only defined by the people in that partnership. We all settle in to our roles – some are traditional, some are very avante-garde. But roles we have and roles we fulfill. What makes a marriage good is whether or not the individuals in the marriage accept and are willing fulfill each role, no matter what it needs to be. And flirting – flirting with your spouse is always fun.

photo credit: Hammer51012